Does anyone else out there have the feeling we’re trapped in a collective nightmare where all our seventh-grade bullies have come back to haunt us? Every TV station, every news eeport, is filled with examples of classic bullying behavior: name-calling, racial slurs, religious denigration, ethnic smears, physical assaults, us-versus-themism, and targeted, hateful online campaigns. It seems like the whole country is swirling in bullies. 

So maybe it’s understandable, given how much of it we see around us, how often we hear the word, how frequently we’re told about the serious threat it poses to our kids and their self-esteem, that we come to see shades of bullying in all sorts of conflict anymore. The lines between bullying and other types of bad behavior have blurred, making it harder and harder to wrap our minds around what bullying is and what it is not. 

I’d like to make the case that we, as parents, need to resurrect the distinction. 

There is a Difference Between Bullying and Other Types of Conflict

Bullying can happen at any age, of course, but studies show it tends to peak in middle school.  

Unfortunately, this stage of life also tends to be rife with conflict. This is a double whammy for kids who are already trying to manage big physical and emotional changes, a deepening sense of identity, a changing and increasingly salient social scene, and, maybe most of all, their place in it. Internal. External. Existential. Conflict everywhere.

In middle school and beyond, conflict is inevitable. It’s a lifelong companion for all of us. It’s something we all need to learn to coexist with. No one enjoys conflict, but everyone I know wants to raise kids who can stand up for themselves, who can be open and honest in their relationships, who can work and deal with people who see the world differently than they do. All those things require the willingness and ability to manage conflict. 

Bullying is another beast entirely. It is not something we want kids handling on their own. It is not something we expect them to face throughout their lives. It is a serious problem with potentially serious consequences which often needs some sort of adult or systemic intervention. 

Knowing which you’re dealing with – conflict or bullying – is key to offering your child the insight and support they need to grow. 

Bullying Involves and Imbalance of Power and the Risk of Repetition and Usually Requires us, as Parents, to Step in

Both conflict and bullying involve some sort of aggressive, targeted action. But there are two pivotal criteria that separate bullying from other forms of conflict: bullying always involves a real or perceived imbalance of power, and the risk or fact of repetition. 

The imbalance of power is what calls in the big guns. It’s the reason adults need to get involved, the reason we can’t leave kids to manage the situation on their own: the playing field isn’t level. 

The imbalance might be physical – a bigger kid picking on a smaller kid is pretty clearly bullying – but it doesn’t have to be. It could be social power, such as when the “popular” girl in your daughter’s class mocks or pointedly ignores her in front of her friends, weaponizing her sixth-grade clout to solidify it. It could be athletic ability or smarts, like when the class brainiac repeatedly tells your son that he’s stupid because he’s yet to master the linear equation. It could be racial or ethnic, as when kids of a certain identity are excluded or called names. It could be monetary, or it could be personal, as when one kid uses photos or information, or spreads rumors or lies, as a means of embarrassing or manipulating another.

While the power imbalance is really what distinguishes bullying from your garden variety conflict, it’s important to remember that power is in the eye of the beholder. The whole world could objectively agree that the sixth-grade queen bee is no more likeable, talented, funny, beautiful, or intelligent than your daughter. But if the sixth graders think she’s the bee’s knees, and she decides to make oinky sounds at your daughter every time she passes her in the hallway, you’ve probably got a bullying situation on your hands.

It’s also important to remember that bullying isn’t a one-off. It needs to be repeated, or there needs to be a realistic threat that it could be repeated. If the captain of your son’s soccer team tells him he’s the loser of the century for missing that goal, then pretty much leaves him alone for the rest of his life, that doesn’t make him a bully. It makes him a jerk who’s good at soccer.

Conflict Involves a Dispute Between Equals and is Usually Best Resolved when Parents Offer Guidance Without Stepping in

Conflict can arise when two (or more) people want different things. If you’ve raised kids old enough to go to middle school, you likely have conflict with them every day. You want them to get to sleep by ten. They don’t. They want you to stop pushing the veggies already. You graciously decline and pass the salad. 

The difference between the conflict you have with your kids at home and the conflict they have with their friends at school or on their teams or in their clubs is that you are directly involved in the ones at home. You know the context, the history, and the deal. These are things you do not fully know when your child comes home crying because she wasn’t invited to go to the movies with the other girls from soccer. And your daughter may not fully know it either.

Even behavior that becomes aggressive isn’t necessarily bullying. Two kids with no power imbalance having a fight in the schoolyard isn’t bullying, even if one shoves or hits the other. The fact that your daughter wasn’t invited into a particular friend group isn’t bullying if they haven’t targeted her in some way. These are simply conflicts between kids, the kinds we all need to learn to deal with. 

I’m not saying managing conflict is easy. Spending an hour and a half with your sad son trying to figure out why his friend ghosted him, how he feels about it, and what he maybe could do to set things right takes the patience, sensitivity, and compassion of a . . . mom. But we should recognize that there’s an opportunity in conflict that we don’t have in bullying. For our kids, conflict offers the opportunity to learn things about themselves, about others, and about relationships. Learning to navigate conflict on their own can give them a sense of power and self-confidence we never could.

For parents, coaching your kids through a tricky situation is the chance to build a different and deeper bond with them by problem solving together. It’s also the chance to polish their burgeoning autonomy by lending them your confidence in the fact that they can address this situation themselves.

Not Every Incident of Conflict is Bullying, and it’s our Job as Parents to Learn and Teach our Kids the Difference. Here’s How

The task falls to us parents to distinguish conflict from its nasty cousin, bullying. It’s unlikely our kids will be able to make that distinction. They’re kids. We need to make that distinction for them, and, ultimately, we need to teach them how to do it for themselves, so that when one or the other rears its ugly head, they’ll know what demon they’re dealing with and which slings and arrows are best suited to the battle.

The challenge for us, or most of us at least, is the fact that these are our babies. The idea that anyone would be mean to them or make them cry sets our hair on fire. Your daughter comes home heart-broken because the girl she desperately wants to be friends with didn’t invite her to her birthday party. Your son is alone and miserable because his best friend since kindergarten is spending all his time with a new friend. And you’re having a really hard time thinking about whether there’s a power imbalance or if this was targeted behavior because, you know, your hair.

Douse yourself with some cold water, mom. You have really important work to do right now. You have to figure out which your child needs most in this moment: a guide or a protector. Here’s how to do it.

1. Assume it’s a Conflict as Opposed to Bullying

When your child comes to you sad or upset, I think it’s always best to assume they’re not dealing with a bully but a conflict, if for no other reason than to keep your own head clear. This is especially true if someone has used the word “bullied.” It’s a powerful word. It evokes a tsunami of protective instincts in any mom worth her salt. It impels us to do something, to call in reinforcements, to take on the problem by storm because it’s our job to keep our kids safe.

But what if that’s not your job in this moment? What if what your child really needs is a coach? If we react to conflict as if it were bullying, we’ve not only eighty-sixed an incredible teaching opportunity, we’ve implicitly told our child that they’re a victim, that they’re not the young adult they see themselves as becoming, but still a child in need of protection.

I am always amazed when I see moms – and I’ve seen many moms do this – take their sobbing twelve-year-old’s version of how horribly she’s been bullied at school completely at face value. Don’t they realize they’ve just abdicated their considerable wisdom, insight, and years of experience to a distraught, hormonal preteen? Sure, in the moment, their daughter will probably be relieved that her mom has her back and is ready to take over this difficult situation for her. But don’t they worry that sometime soon she might hear a nagging little voice in the back of her mind saying maybe I really can’t handle things on my own?  

2. Ask your Child Questions and Listen Calmly and Thoughtfully to their Answer

You want to get it right, so calmly ask probing questions about power and repetition, about the history of your child’s relationship with the other child, about exactly what happened, about what your child did and why they did it, about whether they were targeted in any way, how they felt, and how they feel this could be resolved. And listen very carefully to the answers.

3. Give Equally Careful and Thoughtful Attention to What they’re Not Saying

Some kids would rather die than tell their parents that there’s a problem at school they can’t handle. Some worry that if they tell you how they’re treated at their elite lacrosse club, you’ll pull them out. Some are embarrassed that they’ve been treated badly. Some are afraid your involvement will only make things worse. Some mistakenly blame themselves. These kids need to be protected from bullying and learn about conflict as much as any other. You just might need to be a little more subtle about it.

If you notice that your child is “off,” if he has unexplained physical symptoms – like stomach aches or headaches – or seems sad, withdrawn, or anxious, you need to get to the bottom of that. Don’t ask if they’re being bullied. Ask about how your child relates to the other kids and how they relate to one another. Who’s friends with who, who’s not so popular. Ask about bullying generally and about vulnerable moments in the day. Alone times, like bathrooms or walks home. Ask about lunch and pickup lines and busses and who sits with who. Make sure your child isn’t dealing with anything they shouldn’t be expected to manage alone.

4. If it’s Still Not Clear to you Whether this is a Bullying Situation of Not, Investigate Further

Having listened to your child, having probed what they’re telling – or not telling – you, having kept your own emotions in check, and having brought a critical as opposed to credulous mind to the matter, you may already know whether your child is dealing with bullying or conflict. If you’re not sure, I would encourage you to go to the teacher or coach or bus driver or whoever to get more information. 

But be sure to go as an inquirer. There’s a good chance the teacher will have insight you don’t and if you come barreling in convinced there’s a bully in the class, you might never get it. You might never learn that your son threw the first punch, or that only two girls – not the whole class – were invited to that party. Your child’s perception, and version of the story, may not be accurate or complete or the only one out there.

5. Once you’ve Gathered Enough Information, Name the Problem . . . and Respond Accordingly

When you have enough information in front of you, put on your mom pants and make the call: is it bullying or conflict? 

Sit down with your child and share your conclusion. 

I’ve listened to everything you’ve told me, and I think you and I should spend some time brainstorming about how you can manage this conflict.

Or

I think we need some support from the school (coach/director/etc.) in managing this situation. I’m going to meet with them to talk about what we can all do to make you feel more comfortable.

Don’t be surprised if you child gives you a little pushback. They might be unsure of their ability to manage a conflict. (That’s ok. This is their chance to learn.) They might be afraid you’re your involvement will make bullying worse. (Also understandable. Reassure them that they are surrounded by adults there to help.) They might sincerely disagree with you. (Fair. You can always change your assessment if new information becomes available. Meanwhile, God made you the mom for a reason.)

Notice that in the “conflict” scenario, you’re being straight up with your child that this situation is his to manage and you’re there for guidance and counsel. In the “bullying” scenario, you’re taking that responsibility off your child and sharing it among everyone involved. 

Also notice that I never used the word “bullying.” As I said before, “bullying” is a powerful word. Remember what it did to your hair? Imagine what it could do to your child: reduce them to a victim. By avoiding it, by listening carefully to your child, asking them questions, using your own insight, experience, and wisdom to decide what type of situation your child is really dealing with, and sitting down with them and sharing that information, you’ve pulled your child out of the victim category all together. You’ve treated him with the respect and dignity he’s entitled to expect from everyone. 

Nice work, mom.