Ok. So I watched a TikToker or mom influencer or vlog or something about “gentle parenting” the other day and I have to say, as an older mom, I was a little confused.

This mom had just finished making herself something to eat when her three-year-old son – who’d already finished his lunch – insisted on having some of what she’d prepared. Mom said no, that this was her food, but that Son could help himself to a cheese stick if he still felt hungry. Son yelled at Mom. Mom did not reprimand him for yelling, but calmly held her ground and refused to give up her lunch. Instead of chiding her child, she taped the whole shebang and threw it online as a kind of mini tutorial on “gentle parenting.” 

I confess that, for too many reasons to mention, I’m not a fan of this whole let-me-video-my-interactions-with-my-minor-child-who-lacks-the-capacity-to-consent-then-post-said-interactions-online-where-they-can-be-watched-ad-infinitum-and-will-likely-outlive-said-minor-child thing. But that’s just me.

I Understand that Some Moms are Putting a Lot of Effort into Being a “Gentle Parent.”

I also confess that I would definitely have reprimanded my child for yelling at me. Again, just me. But aside from that, everything else mom did here was – to me – so obviously appropriate that I wondered what the “tutorial” was. Then I read the comments. They immediately devolved into a rabid, judgment-filled debate – among moms – about whether or not this actually was “gentle parenting,” whether Mom was in reality denying her Son food, whether sharing a bagel with a child upon request might model an unhealthy tendency to “people please,” even whether a cheese stick is a good snack

Fortunately, a few “experts” – one of whom takes credit for creating this whole vaguely defined “gentle parenting” movement – weighed in and agreed with me. They gave Mom a thumbs up and affirmed that, yes, you can stick to your boundaries and be a “gentle parent.” 

Wait. Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like something’s a little bit sideways here?

But in my Experience, that Effort is Often Better Spent Focusing, not on the Gentility of the Parent, but on the Needs of the Child in the Given Moment.

The first thing that seemed a little off to me was the fact that the entire focus of this video – and the commentary – was on Mom. I’ve been parenting for a combined hundred and thirty odd years now – some very odd – and I can tell you my shining moments as a mom did not blossom out of times when I was focused on my own parenting, or what other parents or “parenting experts” thought of my parenting, or how my style of interacting with my child might be labeled. 

To the extent I had them – because mistakes were made, people – my best moments as a mom came when I was able to focus entirely and unselfconsciously on my child. When I was able to fully see the little human in front of me and ask myself, “What is this child really feeling or thinking or trying to tell me right now?” When I was able to tailor my response to – and often attach words and context to – their actual feelings and thoughts and experiences rather than accept things at face value. 

Sometimes a Child Needs Help Figuring Out What They Actually Feel and Need.

Every comment to this video that I saw assumed that this was a dispute between Mom and Son over a bagel. That’s because Son insisted that was the case. But he’s three. Three. Parsing out the nuances of big or complex emotions probably isn’t his forte yet. That’s what moms are for.

Since he’d just finished eating and was turning down a perfectly good cheese stick, I think it’s very unlikely he was hungry. But he was definitely upset about something. If Mom had assumed he was right and forked over a chunk of her lunch, she might have basked briefly in the warm afterglow of her community-sanctioned gentility, but she also might have missed an opportunity to help her three-year-old figure out what was actually bothering him. Like maybe he was tired and needed a nap. Or maybe he was angry or sad about something that happened at preschool. Or maybe he was exploring the limits of his own power. Or maybe the word “no” has become something of a trigger and he needs a little exposure therapy. 

If any of these was the real problem, a bite of Mom’s bagel would not have fixed it. Even worse, it might have inadvertently invalidated Son’s actual feelings by failing to accurately identify them, leaving Son unsatisfied, Mom hangry, and a teachable moment on the table.

Sometimes that Requires a Lot of Energy and Attention.

As someone who’s parented five very different individuals from conception through adulthood, I can tell you that, in my experience, the job is not to be the kind of parent you want to be. The job is to be the parent the kid looking back at into your eyes needs right now. That job changes day by day and kid by kid. And you’re going to have a lot harder time clueing into those changes if some of your energy and attention is siphoned off pondering the question of whether setting boundaries around your bagel disqualifies you as a “gentle” parent.

The second thing that struck me as a little crooked about this video and its commentary was the unspoken assumption underlying it: that setting and keeping boundaries is somehow inconsistent with being a gentle parent. When did that happen? When did we decide that “yes” should be every loving parent’s default setting? Who decreed that boundaries are inherently harsh? That parents should impose limits on their children only when absolutely necessary, and even then, only in ways that could be defined as “gentle?” 

That’s a big ask. Huge, if you have more than one child to consider. If I had felt subjected to those kinds of expectations when my kids were young, I would have spent a lot of my time – time I had precious little of, by the way – mired in guilt and self-doubt instead of focusing on being as joyful, loving, and responsive a mom as possible.

Sometimes it Requires an Understanding of the Word “No.”

And I don’t think it would have done beautiful things for my kids, either. 

One of the great tasks of childhood is learning that there are rules in the world. That actions have consequences – and that we have much more say in the former than in the latter. If you keep at, you’ll eventually learn to ride the bike. It you don’t share, people won’t want to play with you. If you get dressed quickly, you’ll spend more time outside playing and less inside with me quibbling over the need for pants.

These are hard and unavoidable realities, and, in my opinion, at least, our job is to help kids accept and deal with them in the least painful way possible. I set boundaries for my kids in the most loving, most gentle environment they knew – their home – to spare them the pain, confusion, and embarrassment of having to learn them elsewhere. I don’t think anyone should be second-guessed for doing their job.

I’ve known a lot of parents over the years. A lot. I think I can count on one hand the number who I would describe as notgentle with their kids. I can also count on one hand the number who were unfailingly gentle with their kids. The vast, vast majority had moments on either side. And their willingness to put their child’s growth above their own vision of themselves as parents was the best gift they could have ever given that child.

And Sometimes we Need to Extend that Gentility to Ourselves and to Other Moms.

Maybe that’s what bothered me most about this “gentle parenting” video: it is one moment in time. And people are extrapolating from that one moment an entire relationship, a whole relational style, a series of assumptions about what the individuals in it want and need from one another. 

Let’s be honest. Being gentle with the kids you love and would lay down your life for isn’t really hard. Setting boundaries for them is. And when a mom finds the strength and determination to enforce the boundaries she believes in with her kids, I say she’s the one we should be treating gently. She’s had a long day, fighting the good fight, battling to teach her kids about character and kindness, compassion, empathy, and honesty. And even though she may feel like a limp dishtowel at the end of that day, her kids will be the better for it. And I say she deserves admiration and encouragement and gentility from all the other moms who know exactly how hard it is. 

And a bagel. She definitely deserves a bagel.