My friend Sarah’s niece, Abbie, asked her to babysit her six-month-old daughter while she and her husband enjoyed an evening out. Sarah and her husband, Steve, – both exceptionally trustworthy and responsible people – have been married for thirty years, raised four kids clean through to adulthood, and remember quite well how important it is for young parents to get a break and some much-deserved alone time. They were also delighted at the prospect of spending an evening cooing over their grandniece. 

Abbie declined Sarah’s offer to come early so that she and her husband could go out to dinner before the show. We’ll just eat here with you guys then run out to the theater. 

When Sarah and Steve arrived, Abbie carefully walked them around the baby’s room. She showed them where her toys and blankets and diapers and bottles were. Over dinner she explained her daughter’s bedtime ritual in detail. Then, at the last possible minute, Abbie and her husband left for their evening.

An hour or so later, the baby was fussy. Sarah was rocking her by the crib, dangling a plush stuffed elephant in front of her, when she got a text from Abbie. She usually likes the penguin more. Sarah looked around, totally confused, until she spied a little black and white nanny cam on the dresser across the room.

“It wasn’t hidden or anything. Abbie must have just forgotten to mention it,” Sarah told me at lunch a few days later. “And I know it’s a thing now. These kids have security cameras everywhere. But something about it is really unsettling to me.”

Nanny Cams Tend to Make Women of my Generation Uncomfortable.

Me too. But why? I mean, I can easily see the value in peeking in on your baby from the kitchen when you hear something odd or suspect he’s trying to climb out a window. And it’s no stretch at all to imagine the comfort – and joy, honestly – of occasionally ogling your little angel while you’re at work or out of the house. I had audio baby monitors – the precursors to video monitors – in my kids’ rooms when they were little. Are nanny cams really any different? 

Having thought about it for a few days, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are, and that the difference essentially comes down to two things: range and trust. 

When my kids were young, the range of our baby monitors extended about as far as our back patio. We checked. There was one creepy occasion when we picked up the tinny, carnival sounds of our next-door neighbor’s baby’s mobile in the middle of the night. And another when I had to send my husband running to our friends across the street when we could plainly hear them through our monitor putting their son to bed . . . and sharing their honest opinions about the neighbors, many of whom also had baby monitors. 

But for the most part, our monitors didn’t extend beyond the walls of our home. If my husband and I went out to dinner and wondered how our kids were doing, we had two options: call the sitter or go home. This probably sounds horrifying to parents who’ve become accustomed to laying eyes on their children, and their sitter, whenever the whim strikes them, but it did have its advantages.

I Worry that Having Constant, Instant Access to their Child Will Make it Harder for Young Moms to Take a Break.

For one, when I or my husband and I left the kids with a sitter, we were off duty. Sincerely. And over the course of nearly thirty years of momming, I’ve learned that it is absolutely essential – to your psyche and your friendships and your marriage and your intellect and your perspective and your sanity and your sense of identity and place in the world – to step away from your mom-self now and again to reconnect with your self-self. 

I don’t think I would have ever felt truly off duty if I’d had the option of checking on my kids as readily and habitually as I scroll through my phone. And knowing that I could pop in on my kids at any time probably would have made me feel like I should be aware of everything they experienced in my absence. Like the fact that I had set them up in their own little reality show obligated me to watch. Like being unable to tear myself away made me a better mom.

I also recognize that I’m something of a stress pot. If I were in the middle of a fun evening with friends and realized it was bedtime, I would most likely want to pull out my phone for a quick check that bedtime was going smoothly. If it looked to me that bedtime was not going smoothly or, more likely, that nobody was anywhere near close to going to bed, I would definitely have excused myself from my fun evening to figure out what was going on, yanking myself right out of evening-with-friends mode and dumping myself right back into mom-mode. Then I would have lost a sizeable chunk of the benefits of time with friends – benefits that ultimately made me a better mom.

I Wonder if the Possibility of Being Watched at Any Given Moment Might Stifle the Relationship Between your Child and your Caregiver.

Being all up in what was happening when I wasn’t around wouldn’t have been particularly good for my kids either. As a babysitter – I was in demand throughout high school, college, and law school – intentional minor rule infractions were some of my best secret weapons. Fifteen more minutes of Winnie the Pooh or a pre-bed dance party or just a little bit more dessert made the kids like me. As they got older, these little secrets bonded us together as coconspirators who’d gotten one over on mom and dad. When mom and dad were going out again, the kids would ask for me and mom and dad could have that much more of a relaxing time knowing their kids were happy in their absence while, at the same time, remaining blissfully ignorant of that extra cookie. I don’t know that I would have done that stuff had I known a parent might be watching – or, God forbid, recording. Especially the dance party. 

I Suspect that, at Some Point, your Child may Realize they’re Being Observed and I Struggle with the Implications of that.

On top of the temptation of using them too often, there’s also the concern of using nanny cams too long. Kids are super vibey. They’re hard-wired to pick up on subtleties in their environment. I don’t know what it might do to a child’s psyche to sense that they’re being observed when they think they are alone, but I can’t imagine it’s good. If they’re old enough to talk, they’re probably old enough to notice that you aren’t surprised they just managed to successfully climb first out of and then back into their crib. Don’t deny them the joy of surprising you.

What I’ve learned is that from the minute your baby leaves your body you two begin a lifelong series of separations. It sounds sad, but it’s really the route to new and deeper connection. Before my kids were born, I could feel their every hiccup. But it wasn’t until afterward, when the hiccups were just a fond memory, that I could touch their perfect little faces. 

They’re going to learn to walk away from you and say no to you and get themselves to sleep without you. A lot sooner than you expect, they’re going to go to school without you, and there won’t be cameras there. It’s a process, something you’re both going to have to come to terms with, this stepping away from one another. Pace it out. Don’t leave it all to the last minute.

But Mostly, I Question what Nanny Cams say About – and are Doing to – our Ability to Trust One Another.

My main concern, though, is the impact nanny cams could have on your – and your kids’ – ability to trust. Trust, by definition, is not certainty. It is a belief that allows us to manage uncertainty and it’s something we all need to learn if we hope to navigate the world securely.

As parents, we teach our kids to trust us by being responsive to their needs and feelings in a loving and consistent way. But we don’t just want them to trust us; we want to give them the capacity to trust others. We want them to learn how and who to trust and to be able to appropriately and comfortably extend that trust to family and friends, caregivers, neighbors, schools, communities, and institutions. They learn that from us, by seeing us trusting – or mistrusting – those people and systems. And they take what they learn from us into their own relationships and futures. I think it’s wise to be mindful of what they see. 

I have no illusions that the nanny cam genie is going back in the bottle any time soon. So, if you’re going to use one, I think it’s worthwhile to examine the impact it’s having on you as a mom. Is it making you more trustful? More confident that you’ve put your child in a safe situation? To the point where you’re checking it only when necessary? To the point where you’re more comfortable stepping away or taking some time for yourself? To the point that you’re a more relaxed parent?

If not, you might want to consider whether the cost of constant contact jives with your family’s goals and values. You could always set limits for yourself to build your trust muscles. You could try turning it off for a while. Or go old school with an audio monitor. Just be sure to step out of your child’s room if you want to talk about the neighbors.