I know someone, an acquaintance of mine, who announced shortly after the birth of her first son that, although the family would be celebrating Christmas, they would not allow their children to participate in any stories or traditions surrounding Santa Clause. She remembered vividly her first reaction to learning the “truth” about Santa: “My parents lied to me.”
She wanted to be straight with her kids right from the git go. There is no Santa. It’s just parents buying gifts for their children and making up stories about where they came from. “I just don’t want to deceive my children like that,” she said. “For me, it’s all about honesty.”
Full disclosure: I am firmly on Team Santa. When my kids were little, we got the photos and watched the movies and wrote the letters and were extra mindful of our Ps & Qs in the weeks before his expected arrival. We left treats on the lawn for the reindeer and cookies and milk for the big man himself. There was even the faint jingle of bells late Christmas Eve to remind any of my wakeful little ones – all tucked into sleeping bags and scattered around the floor of our bedroom – that they best not be caught awake.
My kids adored their stint with Santa and still talk about it fondly. Not one of them felt mistrustful of us or misled when they left their belief in him behind. But that acquaintance of mine made an important point. Trust is a fragile thing. The last thing any of us wants is to have our children feel lied to, maybe even betrayed, when they learn that the Santa they’ve been behaving for and writing to and leaving cookies for isn’t, strictly speaking, a living, breathing person. So, I pulled together a few suggestions about how we can give our kids that magical – and I would argue really important – season of belief in Santa without risking their belief in us.
Play with the idea of Santa
Learning to believe in the unseen is an important job of childhood, which is maybe why the veil between real and make believe is so thin for children. Pretend play and fantasy strengthens children’s imaginations and creativity and facilitates critical reasoning and problem-solving skills. Allowing your children to immerse themselves in stories and activities and play about Santa not only helps them grow, it can become a shared act of imagination between you and your child and between your child and other children.
The way to do that is to treat Santa like the good-hearted, fun-loving guy he is and keep it light. Rather than leaning too heavily into the details of the story, talk about him as something of a fun and inspirational mystery. Keep the twinkle in your eye as you describe the twinkle in his. If your kids press for details, share the stories but don’t vouch for their accuracy. Ask a lot of “I wonder . . .” questions and invite your child to speculate with you about how he fits in chimneys and how many languages he speaks and whether the elves get paid vacation days.
Play. Have fun. But don’t lie. Don’t insist any of it is “real,” and dance away from inquiries trying to lead you in that direction until you feel your child is really ready for the answer. Meanwhile, lay the foundation for how you ultimately plan to answer that question.
When it comes to believing in Santa, I think you’d be wise to start with the end in mind. In the not-too-distant future, the whole Santa gig is up. For years and years after that, you’ll be having conversations with your kids about bigger issues, conversations in which you really want them to listen to and believe you. When that day comes, you might regret having laid your credibility on the line for a red nosed reindeer.
Don’t let Santa take over your whole Christmas
Rituals and traditions offer an intense sense of belonging and predictability, especially to kids. Intentionally repeating certain customs, practices, foods, or stories imbues family events with a rich sense of meaning and continuity. Traditions tighten the bonds between children and parents, children and extended families, children and their communities. They help shape our kid’s sense of who they are, give them a connection to the generations that preceded them, and show them that they are just one part of a much larger family story. And because traditions, by definition, are repeated year after year, they are powerful teachers and reminders of your family’s values.
As far as traditions go, Santa comes practically pre-loaded. For at least a full month before Christmas, he’s everywhere. But, from the instant we settle our wide-eyed babies into his big red lap for a photo, we know that belief in the jolly old elf has a shelf-life. Making him too central to our Christmas celebrations could leave us with some pretty devastated kids six, seven, eight years down the line. Introducing other family rituals while Santa is still on the scene not only gives kids plenty of other traditions to sink into post-Santa, it also helps parents with multiple kids navigate a couple of tricky years when the family has feet in both the “I believe” and the “I don’t believe” camps.
Embrace the tradition of Santa with its all-too-soon end in mind. Build layers of ritual into your family holiday celebrations, most of which have nothing to do with Kris Kringle. If your grandparents haven’t passed any down from the old country, feel free to make up your own. For example, I love the simplicity and family-focus of Thanksgiving and wanted to preserve it as its own distinct, gift-free holiday. In a naked display of self-interest and parental power, I banned all things Christmas until after the plates were cleared from Thanksgiving dinner and everyone was settled into the family room with pumpkin pie and sweet potato cake to watch The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (original version). Still the official beginning of the season in our house.
Or you could create a tradition out of something that arises organically. One year we noticed the kids had gotten a little overwhelmed with Christmas morning gifts, so we decided to save stockings for after dinner. We’ve done it every year since, and every year my kids say, “I don’t know anyone else who I does this. I so love that we do.”
Everything has the potential to be a family tradition. Making a photo album entirely dedicated to Christmases gone by and passing it around Christmas Eve. Certain games, maybe, or stories. Family walks or outings to see Christmas lights. Toy drives, Advent calendars, ugly sweaters, cookie swaps – anything your family finds fun or meaningful. Just be sure to start at least some of them early so that by the time Santa is on the fade, the family has other beloved traditions to pour their holiday energy into.
And be sure to identify the rituals you repeat year after year. Label them as your family’s traditions. I’ve heard so many teens and twenties say, a little sadly, that they have no family holiday traditions. As a rule, I don’t believe them. I suspect its just that no one ever called them that.
Make sure the Big Guy isn’t the only “Santa” in your kids’ world
As a purely practical matter, consider limiting the number of gifts your children may ask from Santa. We’re not trying to stoke greed here, and too much emphasis on gift-getting can actually lower kids’ self-esteem and lead to long-term unhappiness. In my house the number was three. (“Jesus only got three gifts. Do you really think you should get more than Jesus?”) The rest, we told them, were from us. Knowing that parents also give Christmas gifts is helpful when your children inevitably ask why Santa is so much more generous with some families than with others. It also discourages doubtful second graders from desperately clinging to a flagging belief out of fear of losing everything.
Most importantly, get your children involved in giving as early and often as you can. Not only will they begin to feel the pride and joy of sharing with others, they’ll learn that they, too, can be a Santa. Hopefully, you will point this out to them. Because you and I both know that, one day, they will.
Connect Santa with your family’s values
Right now, while your kids are all jacked up on sugar cookies and pajama rides to the North Pole, think about this: what particular values would you like your children to have learned from the Santa story? What of Santa resonates most with you? The importance of generosity? Indiscriminate love? Faith in God? Compassion? Forgiveness? Common humanity? Even if you’re only in it because you want your kids to see a really joyful guy with a healthy body image and a dogged, if ill-advised, commitment to his own sense of fashion, there’s a reason you jumped on the Santa train.
Articulate that value to yourself and point it out occasionally to your kids. You’ll be glad you did a few years from now when you’re cornered by a skeptical eight-year-old with a bone to pick. When your child finally insists on knowing the “truth” about Santa, you can lean into the truth you’ve been pointing out all along.
You can calmly pour a couple of hot chocolates and explain that truth is a very big thing and sometimes it’s easier to teach little children big truths through stories. You can explain the big truth you wanted your child to learn from Santa – whether it’s the importance of sharing, or the power of seeking out and embracing joy, or that the entire planet can come together around a belief, or that there is unqualified good in the world. You can explain that they are obviously old enough now to understand the big truth without Santa. You can remind them to let other children learn the truth about Santa in their own time and in their own families.
In other words, you can invite your child into your confidence and honestly tell them why you made the choices you did and how you hope those choices have helped shape them for the better. You can treat them like the budding adult they are. Nothing builds credibility like that.